FATHERS

Our society, and America in particular, is moving further and further away from what used to be deemed nuclear or traditional relationships. I realize I may be a king of oversimplification but by traditional I mean a mother, father and children residing in the same household. Society has changed significantly and gone are the days when women were expected to stay at home, raise children, while the men went to work in the role as sole providers. I was not raised during this time period. I cannot say if these were better times, but they were definitively simpler. A myriad of reasons, many positive, have led women as nearly full and equal (though too many studies suggest they are still not paid equally to men for the same jobs) participants in the workforce. As a single parent, my mother worked full time since I was five years old.

Women’s independence was part overdue progression of civil liberties and part necessity of women having to have the means to raise and support their families, all too often on their own. I am not quite sure if this falls under the which came first, the chicken or the egg analogy, but there is no denying the interdependent casual connection between increased independence of women and the ever decreasing nuclear family existence. King oversimplification states, “women just don’t need men as they once did.” While that may be an indisputable fact, what is sometimes lost, is the importance of the role of the father, regardless of whether he is residing in the household or not.

Ladies I applaud so many of you for far too often doing the job of two. My mother is a monumental pain in my ass times 10, but she is my hero. Anything good or positive that I embody is all due to her strength, resilience and love. However, with all due respect to you ladies, kids and even more specifically boys of color need their fathers. This is an open call, first to the ladies. You can raise a boy, and do, but only a man can truly teach that boy the lessons needed to be a man. I hear the grumblings already from some of you ladies about how deadbeats need to step up and be men. I will get to the validity of such a statement shortly but let’s first focus on what you ladies can possibly do to help more on your end.

We are well into the 21^st Century and methods of contraception are well known and readily available, even to the poor. That said, with some exceptions, ladies understand that short of a man sexually assaulting you, you cannot get pregnant if you do not want to or let it happen. (Pause a sec as I put on my bullet proof vest and riot gear.) I know it takes two to make a baby…but 21^st Century, independent, smart, empowered ladies…pregnancy cannot and should not happen without your blessing. Since I have your attention let me dig even deeper. Ladies, you basically know when you are dealing with a man who ain’t shit. It’s usually obvious, if dude has babies mothers, kids he isn’t consistent with, no stable job or discernible education, then you should not be having unprotected sex or without contraception. If you are dating the smooth player, can’t tell he’s lying type…same thing…protect yourself. If any doubt use some form of protection. I say all of this not as a condemnation or criticism of you ladies but as a further battle cry of empowerment. It is your body and while it takes two, if he leaves, is irresponsible, or unable to provide, all the responsibility will ultimately fall on you anyway so take that control and responsibility in the beginning instead of the end.

None of us is perfect, so a child is brought into the world, planned or otherwise. It is then your responsibility to help make sure your child’s father is a part of his or her life, no matter how disappointing he may be. I am not saying it is right, but don’t let child support issues or his new chick influence your rationality. Fight thru the emotions and do whatever is humanly possible to facilitate your child and his or her father’s ability to have a relationship. If he is a piece of shit, deadbeat, unreliable that’s okay, your child will eventually see that for themselves, but the flipside is without the resistance and encouragement, you may be the facilitator in helping that man step up.

Fellas, you are not off the hook. Several hundred years of slavery nearly decimated the makeup of our family dynamics. Men were separated from their wives and kids and women often from their own children. Even today systematic racism has continued to devastate the families of color by disproportionately jailing its men for disproportionately longer sentences, separating families in the same way. We know this as men, but have to break the cycle no matter the impediments placed by society.

Our children, specifically our boys, need us. They need to learn from your example, good and bad. We need to be there to teach them how to love and respect women, even if you weren’t taught yourself, but the love for your mothers and sisters can start the discussion.

Our children of color are too often looking for role models in all the wrong places. As fathers, stepfathers or just potential mentors, understand you serve such a crucial and essential role in a child’s development as well as the continued evolution and vitality of your communities’. You may not have had the guidance yourself and potentially made all the best choices in your own life, but do not discount your imperfections. Let them serve as teaching tools for our children. Good counsel and guidance don’t have to come only thru successes, but also with lessons learned from our failures and mistakes. Either way, the efforts to do more come with the rewards of knowing positive impacts will be made.