Family: Can’t live with them… Can’t change your name, move and act like you don’t know them anymore… wait you can do that.
I was speaking with a client recently and he was lamenting the state of dysfunction within his family. My oversimplified answer was love them and/or leave them, but do not let them make you miserable.
I love my family. This does not mean that I F with all of them. Truthfully my family circle has only gotten smaller as I have gotten older. I say this with absolutely no malice or angst. In fact I have more peace than ever. Family tugs at our emotions. They can push our buttons like no others. They can also bring us joy and no one can invoke memories, good or bad like family. I would do almost anything for most members of my family, and this includes the ones that I rarely interact with… my love for them is that strong, even if I feel little reason to speak with them. I have no beefs, I know a few have issues with me. Whatever the reasons, I just choose not to give ongoing energy to negativity and I apply that to anyone regardless if we share the same name or bloodlines.
My client was lamenting the strained relationship with his father and the meeting included a surprise visit from a step sibling. While I may be able to empathize with his situation, I understand that family dynamics are so personal to people that it is difficult to have people think purely rationally and objectively when dealing with family. Deep wounds are not only generally unhealed, the surface bandaging is easily ripped open at any perceived slight and little said from outsiders supplies easy fixes for the problems that people insist on holding onto.
I am not saying that family is not confounding. I am saying stop holding onto your past with them as an excuse for not moving forward. My advice to him was to stop giving so much energy to the past and stop holding on to slights whether perceived or real from family. You cannot ever achieve real peace in your life if you have not come to peace with your past. I am not saying that all should always be forgiven nor forgotten. I am saying come to a resolution so that you may move forward.
Some people have truly horrible stories related to their families. Perspective allows me to say that I am blessed to not have had such experiences. I am sure that mine could easily be described as “interesting” for the levels of dysfunction, but I know it could have been so much worse. When I came to peace with my family dynamics, many years ago, it was the most liberating moments in my life.
As an adult I understand that no matter whatever happened in the past, only I have the power to make and effect changes in my own life moving forward. I do not empower others or give my energy to those that are not participants to my growth and development. We sometimes feel obligated to family. Sometimes those obligations are very real and even appear almost inescapable. I am not impervious to those feelings, but what I have learned is that even when it comes to obligations I set boundaries. I can not help others if my health or well being is imperiled. I love to help others, but always do so without any expectations.
I am unsure whether I was able to get through to my client at all. It was clear his emotions had clouded his judgement. While family can supply so much joy, they can in return be the source of so much pain. He was clearly not over the many experiences that shaped his upbringing. Yet, as a grownup, I implored that we control our emotions and energy. If someone is negative in your life… remove them… It does not have to be dramatic or overly emotional. You do not have to change your number, move or change your last name (though those options are always available if truly necessary). What is most important to understand is that our family will always technically be our family. Once adults, we have nearly complete control on how we interact (or don’t) with the people in our lives irrespective of the relationships we were born into.
If you enjoyed this feature, please be sure to read others within diaryofamadmind.com
#family, #joy, #pain, #love, #Hate, #friendships, #relationships, #growth, #memories, #past,
