CHILD SUPPORT

Many of my friends over the years have called me for help related to their issues with child support. The women and men I know called for a variety of reasons, but the overall theme was usually a breakdown in the relationship or at the very least the communication between the parents.

I wasn’t called because I am such a nice guy, but rather in many cases I was probably the only person on their call list who had passed the bar and wouldn’t charge them billable hours for extensive consultations. Family law has never been my area of practice, but I have learned a few things helping close friends and family over the years.

I have yet to be blessed with children, which puts me in the clear minority of all my family, friends and acquaintances. Most regale the experience as gloriously fulfilling and life changing if not challenging. However, far too many of them have found themselves attempting to co-parent for various reasons. Some through relationships that failed and others co-parenting because of relationships that never worked from the start. Some of their experiences, unfortunately, often reflected a horror show that would have served as the most effective contraceptive Public Service Announcements.

So consider this a more positive PSA. I have already admitted to not being an expert in the field, but I am confident that the free legal advice can potentially save many of you significantly, both time, aggravation and scratch. Now, I realize unsolicited advice is normally as welcome as an STD, which, ironically could have been avoided by heeding unsolicited advice, but I offer it anyway.

In matters regarding paternity and/or child support I advise anyone to be proactive and I think that advice is especially important for men. Questions about the child’s paternity?… Get it resolved! A retail paternity test can be as cheap as $30 dollars. This is if you just need to know. A legally admissible test is probably more in the neighborhood of $300-$500 dollars. Again, if unsure spend the $30 bucks first. The additional money needed to validate it legally (assuming the other person disputes the results) is money well spent relative to paying child support for the next 18 years (the maximum age for support in Florida is 19, in NY it is 21 years).

You also want to establish paternity to definitively establish a father’s parental rights. If you do not take a paternity test and have paternity established but hold yourself out as the father and show on going support, some jurisdictions may still hold you responsible for maintaining the child’s support even if it is later shown you are not the child’s biological father. Conversely, even if you show support and claim fatherhood, if it is not actually established by paternity or order then a father may have issues in maintaining parental rights if the mother later decides to exclude you from decision making and even visitation. (i.e. if she wants to leave the state with your child, even if you always had shared parental custody, without establishing an order of paternity she may be able to deny your claim as parent) Playing catch up at that point will be expensive, time consuming and inevitably mentally exhausting.

Okay, so you have established paternity. The next step I advise (strongly) for men is to put themselves on child support and establish court ordered custody and visitation. I can feel the vibe through my screen as you read this, but yes I am advising men to be proactive and voluntarily put themselves on paper.

It is not legal fact, but it stands to reason that a father who voluntarily submits his willingness to pay child support and have his visitation determined, will have much more of a chance to explain any extenuating circumstances. If at all avoidable, you do not want to be the one continually on the defensive in family court. Many jurisdictions, like NY, base support on statutory percentages of one’s income, but for others I think it is important that courts see a petitioner taking initiative. I am not suggesting a way to get around paying a fair amount or implying the first one to raise the issue of support will win. I am simply suggesting reason in maintaining that from a practical point perception matters and having an opportunity to explain your circumstances first without the perception that you are being chased or unwilling to provide, can only be a positive in establishing your support payments and visitation privileges.

If life were filled with best-case scenarios none of this advice would be needed. Ideally all child related matters would be dealt with amicably by two mature adults who co-parent without letting emotion or self interests influence the best interests of their children.

That utopia has been non-existent for many of those I know. However, that fact underscores the importance of proactive measures. Waiting until emotions and the inability to communicate rationally are a surefire recipe for disaster. Trust, once it gets to that point it is going to cost, monetarily and with stress.

For ladies, I advise you take the initiative as well. Even if the father helps voluntarily, there should be nothing wrong (especially if you are communicating already) to put your agreement to paper. You rather have an agreement validated that dictates whatever agreement may already be in place. This way both parties are protected from knee jerk reactions that are too often punitive towards the other party if communication ever breaks down.

Conflict resolution is so much easier to mediate when the problem is small. If these measures to establish paternity, parental rights and even support are done early, it is much more likely to result in a less painful resolution and that really is in the best interest of all parties involved.

I know many of you reading this have been co-existing if not co-parenting with someone for a while. You may be one of the millions walking that delicate tightrope in which the volatility of your relationship is the ever-present albatross in your life. Why would you disrupt that delicate balance and potentially upset the mother or father, adding more, seeming unnecessary stress to your life? This PSA is written exactly for you. If there is any doubt, stress, strain or uncertainty in your parental relationship then you need to be proactive and eliminate the emotion and uncertainty of your situation once and for all. The other party may not be initially happy, but their initial feelings matter much less than attaining the certainty moving forward.

Richard Ray

If you enjoyed this piece, read others in diaryofamadmind.com

#childSupport, #paternity, #familylaw, #divorce